Chapter 3- Sofia's Love

“ Sofie baby, it’s mommy open the door sweety,”

Sophia groaned as she rose from her bed two weeks after Charles left her without explanation. She still wore the crystal encrusted ball gown she personally designed for her wedding day. She still went through with the ceremony as planned hoping he would come to his senses. Instead of meeting her husband at the alter Sofia was met with judgmental eyes and stale emotions.

  Her gown, was covered in salted tissues  the weight of it caused her to slump, she gazed at her mats of hair and withered made up face.  

She slowly trudged towards her door. 

“ Well hello there princess, how are we doing?” her mother asked sweetly.

“Ughhhhhhhhhhh,” Sophie grumbled as she flopped back into her sheets.

She felt her mother sit beside her and stroke her matted curls. 

“ You have to get out of bed baby,” her mother said softly.

“ I’m just tired mommy. Just....” and then she began to sob.

Her mother quickly grasped her daughter and held her. She wanted to love her daughter’s hurt away. Yet she knew the kisses could not recover the pieces of her daughters broken heart.

“ Why mommy? Why didn’t he call? Why haven’t I seen him? WHAT DID I DO?!!?!!” Sofia became hysterical. Charles left her without a clue nor indication that he had fallen out of love with her. His speech even confirmed it. That day was perfect....

“Bay?!” “Bayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” Sofia yelled from the bottom of the stairs. She had just finished making breakfast, 

“ Yea baby,”

“Don’t forget to bring everything down for our trip.”

“I won’t Sofie,” She’s relentless Charles thought to himself.

He neatly placed each days outfit on his bed wondering if he had over packed for his wedding weekend. 

“How long are we staying at the spot?” He yelled back down to Sophia.

“Two days baby,” she yelled back, “ Tonight is the rehearsal and dinner, then we are having our prelude barbecue before the wedding.” 

Sofia smiled to herself as she said it with a country accent.

Upstairs Charles finished his packing and made his way to Sophie.

“ Do you like the name?” Sofia asked her Fiance.

“ What? What are you talking about baby?” he responded as he trotted down the stairs.

“ Nevermind,” Sophia sighed. I swear he’s deaf, she thought to herself

That afternoon Sofia and Charles spent the day riding through the Califorina streets. She loved their trips. It was like they were Bonnie and Clyde onto their next adventure. 

“ Wow, “ She heard Charles say, “ This is beautfiul.”

“ You like?” Sofia asked as they pulled into the circular drive way of the San Diego Estate she booked for the wedding. The grounds were perfectly kept, it was covered in white lilies and dogwoods. It’s 1892 structure stood with strength. Each window pane glistened in the afternoon sun. It was everything Sophia could have imagined. She first saw it on the cover of a magazine as she walked by. When she saw it a second time on David Tutera she was convinced it was a sign that she was to be married there. 

“ Yea,,” Charles responded. He always felt that Sophia overspent. He was never into the finer things in life, having his needs met was enough.

Sofia gently grasped her Fiance’s hand as they headed inside the mansion of the estate.

“ Welcome to the Saint Bernadine Estates,” The Manager said as she ushered them into the foyer. The grandeur stair case was laced in gold it matched the crystals that gleamed from the chandelier.

As Sofia and Charles walked through the home, the history and beauty left them both speechless.

“ We have set up 43 bedrooms for your guests in addition to round the clock room service,” the manager motioned to each guest house covering the 12 acre land. 

“ Additionally our in house chef will cook for the duration of the weekend.”

“ That sounds lovely!” Sophia squealed as she clapped her hands together,” Isn’t it wonderful baby?!” 

“ That it is.” Charles said.

“ One last thing, “ the manager led Sophia and Charles to the back of the house, “Mr. Grey Sophia informed me that your venue would be a surprise.”

“ That she did,” he gently kissed Sophia on the cheek.

“ Well then, you will be pleased to see where you will be exchanging your vows.”

Behind the house was a private lake. Charles’ jaw dropped as he witnessed the beauty. The lake was a third of the 12 acre land. It sparkled like diamonds in the sun. The crisp blue water looked good enough to drink.

Although the wedding decor had not been set, Charles was happy to exchange his vows in such an enchanting location.

“ Bay how did you... I... I’m just in awe,” was all that Charles could manage to say.

“See...I knew you would love it,” Sofia mentally patted herself on the back, “ After our wedding you and I can sit out on our private dock and watch the stars.”

Sofia knew how much Charles enjoyed the outdoors. The lake was the icing on the cake.

“ I can’t wait to marry you baby,” Charles said.

“ Me neither.”

Later that night Charles and Sofia met their family and friends in the foyer.

“ Sofia I can’t believe you found this location!” Erika exclaimed.

“ Yea girl this shit must have cost you a fortune,”  Gayle said.

“ Language Gayle,” Sofia quickly retorted.

“ Uh Oh let me find out you got all she she frew frew on me,” Gayle playfully responded.

With one look at each other the girls burst into laughter.

“ Gayle why do we always cut up around you?” Erika asked.

“ Because you tight wads barely breathe in that firm of yours,” 

“ Sad to say, she’s right,” Sofia said to Erika.

“ Yea , but this weekend is all about you honey and..,” Erika began to say.

“ And we are going to CUT IT ALL UP!” Gayle interrupted. 

The laughter from Sofia and her best friends filled the foyer. 

“ Man, you sure you ready,” James asked Charles as they sat down in the cigar room.

Charles sighed, “ Yea man better time than any I guess,” he responded as he lit a  complimentary cuban. 

“ You guess?!” Charles’ cousin Zach questioned, “ Nigga you bought a $30,000 dollar ring for that girl you better be sure!.”

“ Damn Zach why does the cost of her ring always seem to come up with you?” Charles could feel the blood rushing to his hands. 

“ I’m just saying man, just because you are a big shot doesn’t mean that you have to spend big shot money, especially not for a girl you are guessing about.”

“ If you want keep your teeth I suggest you shut the hell up,” Charles spitefully responded.

“ Whoa, guys,” James chuckled nervously, “ Charles is completely undeniably sure he loves Sofia, if he isn’t I’ll wife her up and pawn that $30,000 dollar ring for myself.”

They laughed, “ Man you are stupid for that one, “ Zach said through his laughs.

“ I’m just saying,” James grinned.

“ Attention everyone,” the house manager yelled,” Dinner is served.” 

As the guests entered the dining room they were greeted by a long table lined with golden plates and utensils. The table scape was that of royalty. The royal purple lilies ,from the estate’s garden, were neatly arranged in the middle of each section of the table. Hand scripted place cards sat on top of the golden speckled napkins. The gold chairs were complimented by cream colored cushions. The room was illuminated with 18th century chandeliers. The room held just the right amount of glamor. 

“ Wow,” was the only word said by all.

“ You are way passed she she frew frew,” Gayle whispered to Sofia.

Sofia’s grinned covered her entire face. She reveled in the compliments and attention.

Once everyone set at their seats, Erika stood to give her speech, she tapped lightly on her glass of champagne to get everyone’s attention.

“ First and foremost I just want to thank Charles and Sofia for having their wedding weekend in such a magical place,” everyone nodded in agreement,” Sofia, I have known you for eight long years now, and I have never seen you smile as much as you do when you are with Charles. Everyday you walk with a glow, I don’t know what you are doing Charles, but if you are going to do it for the rest of her life.... I’m going to have to marry you too!” the crowd roared with laughter, “ But on a serious note you two are meant for each other. Your bond makes my heart smile, and gives me  hope that my prince charming is still out there.” 

“ That’s right!” Sofia said.

Erika winked at her best friend cuddled up with her fiance,” To Sofia and Charles!” 

Sofia looked around as everyone raised their glasses to toast. Everyone she had ever loved surrounded her. From her 91 year old bubby to her closest friends. It was a dream come true and she never wanted to wake up.

“ And now, the groom will give a speech,” Charles’ Grandfather belted quickly.

“ Oooo no, no,” Charles responded playfully.

“ Speech! Speech!” The guests urged.

“ Well since you pressured me I guess I can give a speech and all, “ Charles reached into his blazer pocket and pulled out the speech he had written for his family, friends, and Sofia.

He cleared his throat, “ Sofia, from the first day I saw you I knew you would be the one for me. Remember that day? You came into the cafe like a ray of sunshine. I’ll never forget how my heart skipped seeing you. Over the years we have had our ups and downs from family illness to your cancer. But through it all we still held strong,” Sofia’s eyes began to water as she thought of those times. “ I am honored to call you my wife and blessed to have you for a lifetime, I love you baby you are my world.”

Charles bent down and softly kissed Sofia. 

“Thank you bay,” she whispered.

As Sofia’s sobs subsided, she continued replaying that moment in her mind. Charles had no signs of doubt. Sofia held her head as it pounded with questions. She took another Zanax to numb her emotions. Secretly she hoped it would stop her heart, for the pieces inside jabbed at her broken soul.

Chapter 2-Sofia's Love

The next morning charles awoke to the sounds of the waves crashing against his boat. 

“ I feel like shit,” he said to himself.

As he surveyed his place of refuge, last night slowly pieced itself together. The second half of his suit laid lifeless on a fold out chair, he noticed the vows he had written for Sofia hanging hopelessly from his pocket. He continued to notice his cuff links and the rolex his grandfather gave him last night at rehearsal.

“ You are my proudest moment,” Charles heard his grandfather say as he pat him on his back. Even for 73 his grandfather still held it’s athletic frame. His dark cocoa skin gleamed, the dimples from generations encrusted his cheeks. Even for an old man his salt and pepper hair suited him. 

“Here.”

His grandfather handed him a navy box wrapped tightly in a sky blue ribbon. On the box it said, “ To my true Son, from your Grandfather.” 

As Charles opened the box he felt his heart flood with honor, dignity, and love. 

“ The Rolex,” was all he could manage to say. The vintage 1924 Rolex laid perfectly on a small silk pillow. It’s white gold wrist band shined at Charles as it complimented the diamonds surrounding it’s black face. It was worth more than Charles’ house, car, motorcycle, and salary combined. His great great grandfather bought it with his first check. The first document ever to be written in his name. It was the document that started his family, it was the first property owned by the first Charles Grey. 

“ I couldn’t have thought of a better time, “ his grandfather said. His grey eyes looked deeply into Charles’. 

He had always known his Grandfather to be his father. He raised Charles after his father decided heroin was worth more than time with his son.     

Charles rubbed his hands over his head as if he tried to release the flashbacks from last night. Sofia’s face. He had never seen her so hurt, it was as if he had taken her soul from her. He could never face that. 

He walked up to his dock to breathe in the fresh air. The seagulls had conveniently nestled themselves in his boat chairs. He looked into the distance as if searching for some type of out. He hadn’t even checked his phone. 

Reluctantly he reached his hand into his pocket to face his fate. 

“ 57 texts, 42 missed calls, and 36 voicemails,” he said, “ pshh, you’d think I shot Obama.”  Before checking the first message Charles grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniel’s that he slept with last night. It was half full. 

“ Let the good times roll, “ he sarcastically cheered to the seagulls.

“Charles this is Erika let me know if you need me to call your boys.”

“ Charles it’s your grandfather call me son,” hearing the sound of his grandfather’s voice shattered the last bit of strength and dignity Charles had. Tears flowed from his eyes and welled into puddles along the dock. He swallowed another shot of Jack to temporally ease the pain. 

He felt his phone vibrate in his hand, as he looked down at the caller id he was relieved it wasn’t anyone from last night. 

“ How did it go?”

“ Better than 9-11, “ he sarcastically replied, “ I’ll see you tonight.”

“ Ok,” the voice replied. 

As Charles looked out into the sea he watched his life get carried away by the tide wondering where it would be.  

The Secret to My Garden.....

I met him on a Thursday, it was the beginning of fall. Although he came to me to conduct business, my temptress couldn’t help but seduce him, just a little. I maintained my professionalism. However the way I licked my lips, and swayed my hips while still maintaining my cool intrigued him. 

“So what would you like to eat for lunch?” he asked me.

“ Lunch?” I asked innocently.

“ Yes, you have to eat right?” he asked.

“Right,” 

“So let me take you to lunch.” 

His assertiveness had turned me on, I couldn’t help but to be interested, besides I was hungry. 

Like a gentlemen, he drove his car around and opened my door for me. We cruised calmly through the downtown streets listening to Wale telling me that I was his Lotus Flower. 

He took me too a coy spot downtown. The food boasts of a mom and pop taste with a modern swag. 

We began to relax as we talked lightly about our pasts. The yearning in his eyes let me know that our future would be filled with hot and heavy nights.

“ Are you single? ” I asked

“Divorced,” he answered with a gruff voice, his head laid low as if he was counting the streams of steam that rose off of his plate. 

“ How long?”

“ Three months, “ he looked up at me. I watched his guard slowly fall as he realized that I only wanted to get to know him. 

“ And you?” he asks

“ Single, for now.”

“ Now?”

“ Yea, a pretty girl like me doesn’t stay single for too long,” I said with a slight laugh. 

He smiled, “ You’re right, a PYT like you wouldn’t know anything about being single for too long.” 

“ And how young do you think I am?” I felt my black girl attitude peaking through my proper persona.

He chuckled at my reaction,“I don’t mean to offend you but I would say at least 10 years. “ 

My body language definitely disagreed.

The soft look on his face reflected his understanding, “ Ok.... so tell me, where were you in 1993?” he asked. 

"I was becoming a big sister  and entering the next grade in elementary school.” 

His face was laced with shock.

“ Wow....” was all he could say, my youth made him speechless. 

“ And where were you?” I wanted to know

“Pledging my fraternity while taking over my second year in college.” 

“ Ok cool, so there are things that you can teach me,“ I responded nonchalantly.  He realized that he was the only one paralyzed by shock and fixed his face.

“ Yea , anything.” he simply replied. 

“ Age doesn’t matter to me, you aren’t the first man that I have dated that was where you were in 1993.” 

“ O really?” he asked. 

I had to think about my reply. I didn’t want him to think that I was some chick looking for a sugar daddy. I create relationships based off of how I feel. Materials, looks, and finer things are wonderful perks, but when it all falls down I want to  know that my hero is the man I wake up to every morning. 

“ Yes, he was the same age as you. My maturity and hunger for life keeps me from holding interest in the men in my age range.”

“ And how is that?” he asked.

 Our conversation was turning into a therapeutic session.

“I like to be mentally stimulated, motivated, loved, learned, spanked, and taught a lesson, while still being protected. Unfortunately men my age don’t understand what that is because they haven’t achieved that level of maturity yet.”

“ I understand, and it’s good to know. I honestly didn’t think you were that young. You carry yourself very well,” he gave me a coy smile slightly revealing his pearly white teeth. I took a moment to truly look at the man across from me. He was fine like the wine my lips yearn to sip. His years of playing football caused his body to maintain it’s gladiator frame. His salt and pepper beard was closely shaven complimenting the cool grey color of his eyes.

We spent our lunch learning of each other, laughing and joking. Debating about the best football teams in the league and drifting in our thoughts of love, passion, and the pursuit of happiness. 

He pulled next to my car.

“ I enjoyed you, “ he said.

“ Thank you I enjoyed your time too.” 

“ So let’s do it again, dinner next time,” he said.

“ I’d like that, “ I smiled and gently replied, “ Thank you for lunch and your company I look forward to hearing from you soon.”

“ Hey babe, “ he said.

“ Yea,” I meekly replied. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered, he called me babe.

“ Meet me for a night cap, tonight at the Ritz,”

“Ok,” was all I could manage to say. 

I gracefully stepped out of his car, managing to maintain my balance amongst the clouds I was floating on. He guided me to my car and opened my door for me . He lightly kissed my cheek and said,” I’ll see you tonight.” 

I had spent the evening marinating in the tub. I let the lavender oil seep into my system as Musiq sexily told me how beautiful I am.

“ Well Ms.Peele, what are we going to do with ourselves?” I asked more so asking the bubbles in the tub than myself. It’s funny how things happen. We happened to be moguls, happened to be single, happened to be sexy, and now we are willing to see if what happened will be happening?

After soaking for an hour or so, I began the process of getting dressed. 

“ Time for elegance,” I said to myself while smiling at my reflection. The black lace set I was wearing was the perfect accompaniment to my red pouty lips. The steam made them moist, as if the taste for love dripped from them. 

I was definitely feeling myself. My confidence that cruised throughout the day decided to take the express lane to class. It was not only my plan to “ woo” him I was going to enwrap him in the addiction of me.

Before slipping on my little black dress. I took one last overview of what laid underneath. There’s something about black that accentuates my light skin. The lace perfectly traced the outline of my tear dropped bottom that was topped with two dimples on each cheek. I wore my favorite Prada stilettos. The 6 inch heels were the perfect accent to my toned curves. My months of running showed. I slipped on my fitted black number and headed to the Ritiz, wondering if he would be the beat to my lyrics.

As I handed the valet my keys, my Fossil clicked half past 8.

”Every girl is fashionably late,” I thought to myself.

The Ritz was my secret dream hotel. I loved it's old hollywood glam. When I entered the lobby it felt as if I had drifted back in time. It held a speak easy feel, sexy and intimate. The melodies of the Jazz Band guided me to the bar. The smells of rum and lust created the perfect cocktail for the night. Everyone was in arms, and I was waiting to be in his.

Then I saw him. His 6’5 frame moved stealthily through the crowd. He kept his eyes on me, even when he was being watched by everyone else.

“ You’re gorgeous, “ was the first thing he said to me.

“ You don’t look too bad yourself,” I said while giving a seductive smile.

He chuckled lightly, “ Shall we?” he asked as he extended his hand.

I lightly placed my hand into his. He folded his fingers as if he were wrapping a delicate package. My heart smiled at the comfort I felt.

He led me to a private section of the bar. I sat into my seat and gazed upon the handsome gladiator that I accompanied. 

He wore a dark navy suite, tailored of course. The diamonds in his ear gleamed at my pearls. They matched the Rolex he sported ever so casually. 

“ So how did I do?” 

“ I’m sorry whaa...what did you say?” his questioned snapped me out of my daze.

He laughed, “ You’re the fashion expert Ms. Peele how did your boy do?” his deep voice asked again. 

His smile challenged my hard to get persona. My heart was yearning to fall in love with this man. I not only wanted to feed him the sex, love, and other drugs I cooked in my kitchen of thoughts, I never wanted to skip dessert, because he deserved every bit of it.

“ You did great,“ I replied while giving him a soft smile.

“ Thank you. So what can I get you?”

“ Hmmm, let’s start with chardonnay,” I replied.

“ Classy I see,” he winked.

“ One of many things.”

He laughed. “ I must say you are the first woman i’ve met that has had such spice.”

“ Too hot for you I see?” I asked playfully. 

“ Nope,” he walked over to me and whispered deeply, “ I like the heat.”

After two Chardonnays, and three dry martinis, our true feelings set the table.

“I like you,” he said, “ and I want to see where this goes.”

“ Well... I won’t argue with that,” I responded while secretly grinning inside “ Where would you like this to go?”

“May I show you something?” 

“ Of course” 

We walked back to the lobby where we caught a private elevator. He pressed a button to an un numbered floor.

“ Floor G?” I asked.

“ You’ll see.”

“ Ok,” I said nervously, a part of me wondered where he was taking me. Luckily I brought pearl in case my right hook doesn’t make the point.

As the elevator doors opened, an atrium filled with exotic plants and trees greeted me. It was if we stepped into another world. The pinks, fuchsias, and oranges brightly colored the room. Although it was 12:30 at night it felt like the sun was just setting. 

“ This is beautiful, “ was all I could manage to say. Who would have thought such a tropical paradise hid amongst the slums of New York City.

“ It’s one of my favorite places,” he said to me, “ I come here often to think about the different decisions I make.”

“ O yea? Like what?” I asked.

“ Like your offer,” he responded.

“ And what is your decision?” I asked beyond the African Moon flowers I was smelling.

“ I’d like to pursue a partnership with you contingent upon you agreeing to my terms.” 

Unlike me, he decided to tuck his professionalism in his pocket instead of leaving it at home. 

“ Ok,” I said as I walked towards him, “ I’ll play ball, name your terms.”

“ First, we must never let us interfere with our businesses,”

“ Agreed,” I responded.

“ Secondly,” he walked closer into me, his Armani cologne danced through my senses, “you must let me spoil you, teach you, and learn you in every way that you allow me to.”

“Mmmm....Agreed,” my response barely left my lips, for both sets dripped with fantasy. 

“ Lastly Ms. Peele, I require your honesty no matter how hurtful nor brash.”

“ So...Where do I sign?” I asked. 

His hand gently brushed my cheek, while the other cupped one of my dimpled assets. His tongue traced my lips before deeply plunging into the tastes of my mouth. 

My secret garden opened it’s gates, and let him taste the forbidden fruit. He was the Adam to my Eve and we were going to rule the world. 

Life's Sentence

When I first met him it was through my best friend. He fancied her more so at the time. And as our years in college rolled by he became the loser. He involved himself in criminal activities, hung around the wrong people, and before I knew it he became the 30 year old Greek still trying to be down with the homies. He was no longer cute no longer smooth just....there.

Yet as I watched him fall through the skies of cool to the grounds of uncouth, I understood how he a man of stature was struggling with his fall from grace. He was the people pleaser, and I being one myself I recognized all of the signs. He committed crime, only to be revered as “The Man.” The man he lacked in his own life, the man that his frat was inspired by, and the “ladies” man all of his boys took notes from. Yet the fakes that surrounded him neglected to tell him that being caught in such an act would result in reputational homicide. 

And on that crisp and cold November Day he was slandered by the lies, and mauled by the revelations that his “friends” were his ultimate haters planning his demise. And so he sat in that court room and watched as each one put on their play. Each monologue perfectly spoken as if it had been practiced for days. 

So when the judge asks, “ Young man is there anything you’d like to say?”

He stood in the sea of lies, while his reality crashed like waves against his body crushing the innocence that was left inside of him.

He choked, “I’ve made a mistake...... and i’ll  take the consequences.” His hopes and dreams shattered into pieces, as each tear rolled down his cheeks.

He was no longer mastering the storm, he had become overwhelmed by it. 

His mind played the jury as his Soul played the judge, and there his heart stood waiting to be sentenced. 

As he took his last breath as a free man, he listened to what his judge had said,

“For your wrong doings I sentence you to life, learn how to grow and don’t make these mistakes twice.” 

I Got a Big Ego

I was once told that your twenties is when you make your mistakes and live without a limit. Yet here I am 3 years into my frenzied 20s life and I still feel as if I am making mountains of mistakes instead of small hills. As I grow I’m starting to find how childish I can be. For one I am very impulsive. For example I went to Miami and tatted my finger, did I think about it no, was it a good idea at the time, yes, will I regret this at 80 mmm.....probably. But that’s my mistake I’ll have to bear it and fix it on my own. I’m also finding that aI have a tough time dealing with forgiveness. I have tried my hardest to say forgive and forget but the main problem seems to be that I NEVER FORGET so why the hell should I forgive? I’m also finding that it’s caused me to hail the Diddy manufactured term of No Bitchassness instead of embracing the term forgiveness is key.Yet, a perk to these roaring twenties is that I have had to opportunity to meet someone I haven’t met in years. I’m finding that she is becoming ever more present and is slowly trying to take over the best sides of me. We all know who that person is, for me she’s my alter ego. 

You see, i’ve always known that the other side of me was there. However, I’ve tried to keep her locked up and only let her out on special occasions. This alter ego of mine is everything that the innocent Kyndall envies. She’s a vixen in the bedroom, a no nonsense, who gives a F@#*, brand new kind of girl. For those of you who need a visual this alter ego is a mix of Tammy, Amber, and all other bad girls. She a dominatrix, and if you can’t handle her then that means you are weak yourself (yea that’s her frame of mind). 

The bright side of this other me, is that she is always down for a good time.  There will never be a night where she won’t have her “Moment for Life.”  And if she wants something please believe that she will get it. 

Yet the darker side of my ego is that she isn’t willing to forgive. If she doesn’t like you believe me you will surely know. She also doesn’t assess want versus need. Although she wants something after she has it, innocent Kyndall questions whether or not she really needed it. For example, recently my alter ego broke a promise she kept with me. We were supposed to spend time getting to know who the real Kyndall is and balancing the good vs bad, without having to rely on guy to tell me. Yet, ego just couldn’t  hold up. Her flirtatious ways and seductive body language  coerced old flames into lighting the fire that dwelled in her lower body. Before I knew it I was caught up in the rapture of lust, without a clue as to how I will loose myself from it’s grip. 

It’s these moments of struggle that my ego enjoys watching. She enjoys putting me in a situation of regret she enjoys making me into this cocky person I had never been. In some ways innocent Kyndall understands. 

Although my “good” side seeks the love of her life, to marry, have a family and children and truly settle down. My “good” side also knows that in order to be with anyone I must first learn how to be with myself and only me. Despite the opinions and despite the misinterpretations of who I am.

 I’m in a position i’ve never been in. All of sudden I’m starting to realize mmmm....I am quite beautiful. I’m starting to block out the numerous opinions of others and finally just DO ME and most importantly I’m starting to truly mold my life’s ten commandments without looking for a divine intervention to tell me so. And even though my ego is hard to control I must confess that it is my ego that has led me to look in the mirror and really find out who the chick is staring back at me. 

**** Sneak Peak**** Chapter 1

“I can’t do this,” Charles said as he stood before sofia after making the last toast as a single man.

“I...I...I don’t understand what do you mean?” Sofia’s eyes grew heavy as she tried to deny the words that eagerly slipped out of Charles’ mouth.

“ I’m sorry Sofie I can’t marry you,” Charles felt as if the world were crashing down in a simple moment he realized he couldn’t subject Sofia to the secrets that would soon be revealed. Yet, it was suicide watching the look on his fiance’s face as it slowly killed him.

“I....I don’t understand,” was all she kept saying.

“I know Sofia, but....I just can’t, I’m sorry,” and with that apology charles took his cue and left Sofia, waiting for an explanation she will never have.......

Chapter 1 

“Sofia? he has never called me that,” Sofia thought to herself as she watched charles take each step out of the door. 

She and Charles had endured everything, from the loss of a child to her cancer, to his mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, if anything their love was meant to last forever.

“I ....I just don’t understand,” she kept saying to herself, “I don’t understand,” 

“Sofia boo! you okay?!” Moments ago Sofia’s maid of honor and linesister had just professed how deep their love was,” Sofia?! Sofia.....” her linesister kept saying her name. 

Her linesister approached her and immediately recognized the look of horror on Sofia’s face , “ O my God,” was all she could manage to say, 

“ I just....I just don’t understand E...I...I don’t get it....” Sofia’s daze continued she hadn’t realized that the wedding party all gazed upon her wondering what just happened.

An hour ago Sofia had just watched Charles speak of how their love was unbreakable, a legacy, something rarely seen and envied, yet she still couldn’t understand.

“ What happened?” her linesister asked as she gently guided Sofia to the day room.

“ I....I don’t know...one minute he’s professing our love...the next...he’s telling me he can’t do it...I just don’t understand Erica I don’t...I don’t get it.”

“ It could be cold feet girl...you know how men get...one minute they are living it up the single style then BOOM tomorrow you are getting married, did he say anything else?” 

“No....nothing...” Sofia said to Erika. Sofia and Erika had been best friends since her freshmen year in college, after two years of friendship they became life long linesisters and pledged the same sorority. 

“ I’ll call him girl...he probably just needs some tough love,” Erica gazed upon her phone searching eagerly for Charles’ number, there wasn’t a ring as his phone went straight to voicemail.

Hey Charles this is Erica I just wanted to check on you if you want me to send your boys over to talk let me know, we are just wondering what’s going on?” 

As Erica left her message Sofia continued to stare into the venue that now had became a a blur of nothing.

“I....don’t understand....” Sofia said again and again.

“C’mon girl let’s get you home, “ Erika motioned the valet to retrieve her car. 

“What the fuck is going on on?!” Gayle asked as she stormed into the day room, “ Where the hell is Charles?!”

“Not now,” Erica said, “ Gayle just entertain the guests for the night everything is fine.”

“Alright,” Gayle said hesitantly as she eyed Sofia. As she turned to walk back into the dining room she said, “ Sofia...just let me know if I need to beat a nigga’s ass,” and with that she walked into the dining room reassuring everyone that everything was fine.

“It will be better in the morning,” Erica said to Sofia as she clutched her sister and guided her to the car. 

The ride through San Diego felt like the longest road trip Sofia had ever taken.

“I don’t get it E...” she kept saying.

“I know boo...” Erica replied with the most reassurance she could fathom.

As Sofia watched the shores of San Diego pass by she thought about the past  6 years. 

Charles had proposed to her on a whim. She had no idea, granted after year three they began the talk of marriage but Sofia didn’ t know when Charles would make the lifetime commitment. 

But that night as they laid  on the beach and watched the waves gently flow against their toes, Charles solidified his love to her.

“Bay....you are my everything, “ he started saying.

“I know as you are mine babe...” Sofia replied unaware of the serious turn the atmosphere had taken.

“ If I asked you to be with me forever...would you?” Charles asked as he stared into the ocean skies. 

“ Of coarse,” Sofia had replied.Charles had this same conversation when Sofia was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. After two months of treatment and her cancer went into remission. She knew that she couldn’t have fought through it without Charles.

“ I’m serious bay,” Charles said into the night sky.

“I know,” Sofia whispered. The waves provided an acoustic sound as she and Charles shared the most intimate moment they had had in years.

“ So will you...spend the rest of your life with  me?” 

Sofia turned to gaze into Charles’ eyes but she was met with a four carat diamond and immediately the butterflies had returned.

“ O my god YES!!! YES!!!” Charles slipped the ring on her finger and they spent the night celebrating their life long love. She had given herself fully to Charles, that night he finally took what he had been waiting for...her entire being. It was the best sex they had ever had. 

As Sofia reminisced on the moment she still hadn’t imagined Charles uncertainty.

  “ i really don’t get it...I just don’t,” she said into the darkness.

“ I promise you it’s cold feet,” Erica kept reassuring her. 

As they pulled into the driveway Sofia noticed Charles’ space remained empty.

 “ He’s just scared right now...you know how men get,” Erica kept reassuring her.

As Erica unlocked Sofia’s door the house leaked the feeling of emptiness it was no longer a home. 

Erica guided Sofia to her room and gently undressed her and slipped on her night gown. She laid Sofia in her bed and grasped her her hand hoping to feel some type of life, but her hand was cold.

“Sofie, don’t worry... I promise you its cold feet Charles loves you...” Erica held on tight to Sofia’s hand, yet something deep inside told Sofia that it may be over.....