I Got a Big Ego

I was once told that your twenties is when you make your mistakes and live without a limit. Yet here I am 3 years into my frenzied 20s life and I still feel as if I am making mountains of mistakes instead of small hills. As I grow I’m starting to find how childish I can be. For one I am very impulsive. For example I went to Miami and tatted my finger, did I think about it no, was it a good idea at the time, yes, will I regret this at 80 mmm.....probably. But that’s my mistake I’ll have to bear it and fix it on my own. I’m also finding that aI have a tough time dealing with forgiveness. I have tried my hardest to say forgive and forget but the main problem seems to be that I NEVER FORGET so why the hell should I forgive? I’m also finding that it’s caused me to hail the Diddy manufactured term of No Bitchassness instead of embracing the term forgiveness is key.Yet, a perk to these roaring twenties is that I have had to opportunity to meet someone I haven’t met in years. I’m finding that she is becoming ever more present and is slowly trying to take over the best sides of me. We all know who that person is, for me she’s my alter ego. 

You see, i’ve always known that the other side of me was there. However, I’ve tried to keep her locked up and only let her out on special occasions. This alter ego of mine is everything that the innocent Kyndall envies. She’s a vixen in the bedroom, a no nonsense, who gives a F@#*, brand new kind of girl. For those of you who need a visual this alter ego is a mix of Tammy, Amber, and all other bad girls. She a dominatrix, and if you can’t handle her then that means you are weak yourself (yea that’s her frame of mind). 

The bright side of this other me, is that she is always down for a good time.  There will never be a night where she won’t have her “Moment for Life.”  And if she wants something please believe that she will get it. 

Yet the darker side of my ego is that she isn’t willing to forgive. If she doesn’t like you believe me you will surely know. She also doesn’t assess want versus need. Although she wants something after she has it, innocent Kyndall questions whether or not she really needed it. For example, recently my alter ego broke a promise she kept with me. We were supposed to spend time getting to know who the real Kyndall is and balancing the good vs bad, without having to rely on guy to tell me. Yet, ego just couldn’t  hold up. Her flirtatious ways and seductive body language  coerced old flames into lighting the fire that dwelled in her lower body. Before I knew it I was caught up in the rapture of lust, without a clue as to how I will loose myself from it’s grip. 

It’s these moments of struggle that my ego enjoys watching. She enjoys putting me in a situation of regret she enjoys making me into this cocky person I had never been. In some ways innocent Kyndall understands. 

Although my “good” side seeks the love of her life, to marry, have a family and children and truly settle down. My “good” side also knows that in order to be with anyone I must first learn how to be with myself and only me. Despite the opinions and despite the misinterpretations of who I am.

 I’m in a position i’ve never been in. All of sudden I’m starting to realize mmmm....I am quite beautiful. I’m starting to block out the numerous opinions of others and finally just DO ME and most importantly I’m starting to truly mold my life’s ten commandments without looking for a divine intervention to tell me so. And even though my ego is hard to control I must confess that it is my ego that has led me to look in the mirror and really find out who the chick is staring back at me. 

**** Sneak Peak**** Chapter 1

“I can’t do this,” Charles said as he stood before sofia after making the last toast as a single man.

“I...I...I don’t understand what do you mean?” Sofia’s eyes grew heavy as she tried to deny the words that eagerly slipped out of Charles’ mouth.

“ I’m sorry Sofie I can’t marry you,” Charles felt as if the world were crashing down in a simple moment he realized he couldn’t subject Sofia to the secrets that would soon be revealed. Yet, it was suicide watching the look on his fiance’s face as it slowly killed him.

“I....I don’t understand,” was all she kept saying.

“I know Sofia, but....I just can’t, I’m sorry,” and with that apology charles took his cue and left Sofia, waiting for an explanation she will never have.......

Chapter 1 

“Sofia? he has never called me that,” Sofia thought to herself as she watched charles take each step out of the door. 

She and Charles had endured everything, from the loss of a child to her cancer, to his mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, if anything their love was meant to last forever.

“I ....I just don’t understand,” she kept saying to herself, “I don’t understand,” 

“Sofia boo! you okay?!” Moments ago Sofia’s maid of honor and linesister had just professed how deep their love was,” Sofia?! Sofia.....” her linesister kept saying her name. 

Her linesister approached her and immediately recognized the look of horror on Sofia’s face , “ O my God,” was all she could manage to say, 

“ I just....I just don’t understand E...I...I don’t get it....” Sofia’s daze continued she hadn’t realized that the wedding party all gazed upon her wondering what just happened.

An hour ago Sofia had just watched Charles speak of how their love was unbreakable, a legacy, something rarely seen and envied, yet she still couldn’t understand.

“ What happened?” her linesister asked as she gently guided Sofia to the day room.

“ I....I don’t know...one minute he’s professing our love...the next...he’s telling me he can’t do it...I just don’t understand Erica I don’t...I don’t get it.”

“ It could be cold feet girl...you know how men get...one minute they are living it up the single style then BOOM tomorrow you are getting married, did he say anything else?” 

“No....nothing...” Sofia said to Erika. Sofia and Erika had been best friends since her freshmen year in college, after two years of friendship they became life long linesisters and pledged the same sorority. 

“ I’ll call him girl...he probably just needs some tough love,” Erica gazed upon her phone searching eagerly for Charles’ number, there wasn’t a ring as his phone went straight to voicemail.

Hey Charles this is Erica I just wanted to check on you if you want me to send your boys over to talk let me know, we are just wondering what’s going on?” 

As Erica left her message Sofia continued to stare into the venue that now had became a a blur of nothing.

“I....don’t understand....” Sofia said again and again.

“C’mon girl let’s get you home, “ Erika motioned the valet to retrieve her car. 

“What the fuck is going on on?!” Gayle asked as she stormed into the day room, “ Where the hell is Charles?!”

“Not now,” Erica said, “ Gayle just entertain the guests for the night everything is fine.”

“Alright,” Gayle said hesitantly as she eyed Sofia. As she turned to walk back into the dining room she said, “ Sofia...just let me know if I need to beat a nigga’s ass,” and with that she walked into the dining room reassuring everyone that everything was fine.

“It will be better in the morning,” Erica said to Sofia as she clutched her sister and guided her to the car. 

The ride through San Diego felt like the longest road trip Sofia had ever taken.

“I don’t get it E...” she kept saying.

“I know boo...” Erica replied with the most reassurance she could fathom.

As Sofia watched the shores of San Diego pass by she thought about the past  6 years. 

Charles had proposed to her on a whim. She had no idea, granted after year three they began the talk of marriage but Sofia didn’ t know when Charles would make the lifetime commitment. 

But that night as they laid  on the beach and watched the waves gently flow against their toes, Charles solidified his love to her.

“Bay....you are my everything, “ he started saying.

“I know as you are mine babe...” Sofia replied unaware of the serious turn the atmosphere had taken.

“ If I asked you to be with me forever...would you?” Charles asked as he stared into the ocean skies. 

“ Of coarse,” Sofia had replied.Charles had this same conversation when Sofia was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer. After two months of treatment and her cancer went into remission. She knew that she couldn’t have fought through it without Charles.

“ I’m serious bay,” Charles said into the night sky.

“I know,” Sofia whispered. The waves provided an acoustic sound as she and Charles shared the most intimate moment they had had in years.

“ So will you...spend the rest of your life with  me?” 

Sofia turned to gaze into Charles’ eyes but she was met with a four carat diamond and immediately the butterflies had returned.

“ O my god YES!!! YES!!!” Charles slipped the ring on her finger and they spent the night celebrating their life long love. She had given herself fully to Charles, that night he finally took what he had been waiting for...her entire being. It was the best sex they had ever had. 

As Sofia reminisced on the moment she still hadn’t imagined Charles uncertainty.

  “ i really don’t get it...I just don’t,” she said into the darkness.

“ I promise you it’s cold feet,” Erica kept reassuring her. 

As they pulled into the driveway Sofia noticed Charles’ space remained empty.

 “ He’s just scared right now...you know how men get,” Erica kept reassuring her.

As Erica unlocked Sofia’s door the house leaked the feeling of emptiness it was no longer a home. 

Erica guided Sofia to her room and gently undressed her and slipped on her night gown. She laid Sofia in her bed and grasped her her hand hoping to feel some type of life, but her hand was cold.

“Sofie, don’t worry... I promise you its cold feet Charles loves you...” Erica held on tight to Sofia’s hand, yet something deep inside told Sofia that it may be over.....