I was once told that your twenties is when you make your mistakes and live without a limit. Yet here I am 3 years into my frenzied 20s life and I still feel as if I am making mountains of mistakes instead of small hills. As I grow I’m starting to find how childish I can be. For one I am very impulsive. For example I went to Miami and tatted my finger, did I think about it no, was it a good idea at the time, yes, will I regret this at 80 mmm.....probably. But that’s my mistake I’ll have to bear it and fix it on my own. I’m also finding that aI have a tough time dealing with forgiveness. I have tried my hardest to say forgive and forget but the main problem seems to be that I NEVER FORGET so why the hell should I forgive? I’m also finding that it’s caused me to hail the Diddy manufactured term of No Bitchassness instead of embracing the term forgiveness is key.Yet, a perk to these roaring twenties is that I have had to opportunity to meet someone I haven’t met in years. I’m finding that she is becoming ever more present and is slowly trying to take over the best sides of me. We all know who that person is, for me she’s my alter ego.
You see, i’ve always known that the other side of me was there. However, I’ve tried to keep her locked up and only let her out on special occasions. This alter ego of mine is everything that the innocent Kyndall envies. She’s a vixen in the bedroom, a no nonsense, who gives a F@#*, brand new kind of girl. For those of you who need a visual this alter ego is a mix of Tammy, Amber, and all other bad girls. She a dominatrix, and if you can’t handle her then that means you are weak yourself (yea that’s her frame of mind).
The bright side of this other me, is that she is always down for a good time. There will never be a night where she won’t have her “Moment for Life.” And if she wants something please believe that she will get it.
Yet the darker side of my ego is that she isn’t willing to forgive. If she doesn’t like you believe me you will surely know. She also doesn’t assess want versus need. Although she wants something after she has it, innocent Kyndall questions whether or not she really needed it. For example, recently my alter ego broke a promise she kept with me. We were supposed to spend time getting to know who the real Kyndall is and balancing the good vs bad, without having to rely on guy to tell me. Yet, ego just couldn’t hold up. Her flirtatious ways and seductive body language coerced old flames into lighting the fire that dwelled in her lower body. Before I knew it I was caught up in the rapture of lust, without a clue as to how I will loose myself from it’s grip.
It’s these moments of struggle that my ego enjoys watching. She enjoys putting me in a situation of regret she enjoys making me into this cocky person I had never been. In some ways innocent Kyndall understands.
Although my “good” side seeks the love of her life, to marry, have a family and children and truly settle down. My “good” side also knows that in order to be with anyone I must first learn how to be with myself and only me. Despite the opinions and despite the misinterpretations of who I am.
I’m in a position i’ve never been in. All of sudden I’m starting to realize mmmm....I am quite beautiful. I’m starting to block out the numerous opinions of others and finally just DO ME and most importantly I’m starting to truly mold my life’s ten commandments without looking for a divine intervention to tell me so. And even though my ego is hard to control I must confess that it is my ego that has led me to look in the mirror and really find out who the chick is staring back at me.
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