Dangit Man...I Slipped Up!

It happened on a Thursday, I must admit I was not in the mood to even engage, yet this thing intrigued me. It made me wonder just how far it would let me go and how long that interest would last. That night I dressed beautifully, I wore a low cut black dress, long earrings, and my hair swept to the side, needless to say if I was a guy I'd screw me. As I sat at the table the smells coming from the kitchen mesmerized me, the robust spices and herbs called to me. I felt my body start to melt. The waiter walked up to me and said," Good evening Miss, may I interest you in a drink?" My response, " A Cosmobellini would do me just fine." As he wrote down my drink I caught his eyes tracing my legs up to my neck line. When he realized that I noticed he quickly closed his note pad and said, "I'll be right back." I sat in the restaurant and allowed myself to get caught up in the rapture. I couldn't believe how much I had grown, this little Indiana girl was now sitting in one of finest restaurants in the world, and capturing every eye that graced her presence. I must say I was completely feeling myself.
Just as my drink came so did he. He entered the restaurant with such power, I must admit his confidence was beyond sexy. The host took his coat, he took a moment to gaze around the room in search of me. Once he laid his eyes upon me his body language instantly said, "Bingo.." He walked over to the table leaned in and kissed me on my cheek. "How are you?' he asked me. I was so caught up in his hazel eyes, and muscular physique, I hadn't heard his question. "You ok?" he asked me. "Yea, just a little tired I guess." I had to play off my developing crush. He ordered his drink. Now I've learned from past experiences that a man's drink is a factor in describing what type of man he is. Fruity drink =a fruity man (unless it's margarita night at wet willies). So I listened as he ordered. His deep voice laced my senses, as he said, " Jack and Ginger heavy on the jack light on the ginger all on the rocks." After ordering his drink he took a moment to adore me. He didn't look at me in a perverse way, instead he gazed upon me as if he was studying a masterpiece. "You look beautiful," he said to me. I gave him a coy smile and a small ,"thank you." managed to escape my lips.
When we ordered dinner, my appetite craved something other than food, so I simply ordered a salad. He ordered the salmon, asparagus, and mashed potatoes.
The night went very smoothly. He seemed fully engaged as he asked me what my passions were and where do I see myself. Mid conversation he said," I hope I'm not being too forward, but may I kiss you?" I was a bit taken a back a kiss? in here? with all of these people? Yet my curious mind obliged and there I was tasting this man's lips. Everything silenced and for a moment I forgot where I was.
As he walked me to my car he said," I noticed that you didn't eat much this evening, was the food not to your liking?"
"Of coarse not," I responded, " I just.. I don't know I craved something really savory and I couldn't figure out what to eat. "
"I understand, you should let me cook for you," he smiled at me.
"O really? and when would that be?"
"Tonight, if you are up for it."
"Ok."
"Meet me here in an hour." he placed his card in my hand, on the back he wrote his address.

During my drive to his place a billion things ran through my mind. I asked myself what the hell was I thinking?! I wondered if he was going to be the one to break my 4 month stint. I also wondered what it was about this man that had me so caught up. I have dated men who could make Boris Kodjoe run for his money. Maybe it was his smoothness, maybe it was the fact that he was older than my usual, or maybe I was attracted to his determination and the power he possessed being a top lawyer in Cleveland. Despite what it is I was going to this man's place and hoping he could satisfy my appetite.
When I reached his home I parked my car in his garage and took the elevator to his condo.
When I entered the room , his condo wreaked of excellent taste. Different painting laid upon the walls his dining room set was a deep cherry wood square table. When I reached his living room his chocolate coach complimented the blue lighting upon his book case. His flat screen was mounted upon the wall and his xbox sat neatly underneath it. I noticed a treadmill out of the corner of my eye that faced his lake front view. Every ounce of this man made me feel as if I was in a movie.
I sat down on his couch and made myself comfortable.
"Wine?" he asked well more so asserted as he handed me a glass of white wine.
"Thank you I said. "
"Your dinner is almost ready." He said to me.
"Is there anyway I can help?" I asked.
"Absolutely not," he responded. He seemed a bit offended that I asked, "but you may watch."
I followed him into his kitchen. The aroma of rosemary, basil , and spices tingled my senses. My body felt electric. As he placed my plate in front of me he kissed me gently on my forehead. He sliced everything for me and fed me. My entire being indulged in this man's cooking and spirit. "Mmm" was all I could say.
"you like?" he asked
"Very much, " I responded
"Good." he said to me with a coy smile.
After finished dinner we sat upon the couch. He put his arms around me, leaned into me and softly said, " I find you to be an incredible woman."
"And why is that?"
"Your drive is very sexy to me, you have holistic beauty, rather than pieced beauty that most women have."
Whew I said to myself, Ok Kyn get it together at any moment this man could have you wrapped around his finger.
"thank you." I responded
He then kissed me, and this time his arm wrapped around my waist as his other hand cupped and tilted my head. It was one of the most passionate kisses I had ever had. I tasted everything from his jack and ginger to the meal I had just devoured. I let him drink me and taste me. When I realized just how heated things were getting, I had to stop.
"I'm celibate, " I said to him. At first he looked confused, and then he gave me a comforting smile.
"It's not your body that I want, it's your mind." He leaned into me again and kissed me once more.
O God I prayed please let this be true and not a dream, I would be devastated.
After an evening of kissing and cuddling he walked me down to my car, kissed me once more and said," I'll see you tomorrow. " I smiled back and said, " You bet."
On my ride home I felt my lower body begin to pulse and then it tightened. Before I knew it I was feeling strange. "Dammit," I said to myself, " I shouldn't have eaten that steak he made. "

I just want to take it Nice and Slow....

We live in a microwavable society, where everything is almost readily available. We want the right job now, the right mate now, the right kind of sex now, the right anything right NOW. In a sense we have become our own fast food chain, feeding ourselves the temporary and quick satisfaction as opposed to stopping and truly smelling the flowers. Think about how fast food compares to a slow cooked meal. Fast food’s benefit is how quickly it’s done, but does it really taste fulfilling at the end of the day? Does your body feel thoroughly satisfied throughout the day? As opposed to slow cooked. The food takes time, love, and preparation. It requires patience and the ability to wait for things to come perfectly together. When you finally indulge every last flavor excites your mouth and fulfills your tummy. This should be the outlook on life.
            I must admit I was a “fast food” junky. I like to say that I was the originator of, “It’s my money and I want it now!” Since I was 14 I’ve consistently worked two jobs as well as tutoring, doing hair, and coaching as a side hustle, all to make the C.R.E.A.M. Yet, I came to realize that the temporary satisfaction I gained from getting tid for tats of money here or there was not what I wanted for myself. I was going through multiple jobs instead of building towards my career. So I put it down, completely and I mapped out my career.
            I’m doing some things my family would faint over. I decided that I’m not going to graduate school ( I think I just heard my mother faint). When I signed up for the GRE the second time I thought I was doing the right thing for me. I was going through the motions get your bachelors then get your masters then get a good job. I realized it wasn’t meant for me when one of my sorority sisters asked me, “Have you studied for it?” My response,” Nope I have 2 books on how to ace this thing and I have yet to crack them open,” mind you she asked me this two weeks before my scheduled test date. A career should be something you love, and a job should be something that gets you towards that true love.  None of my 9-5s were getting me to my true love.
            So I prepared my soul’s meal that I knew would fulfill my spirit. I picked out key ingredients (people, places, materials) arranged my recipe for success (making my plan), put them all together and let it slow cook. My investment of hard work, time, TRUE FULL TIME commitment, and all emotions I will experience are the spices of my dream dish, they flavor it, and make it taste that much better when it’s done.
            So you can have the fast food and see just how internally healthy it makes you. But me honey, I’m taking it nice and slow. Bon appetite!

Hit it and Quit it (those nights)

I used to be a benefits person who viewed a man as nothing but a simple fulfillment; I developed that “F you do me” mentality. But I came to realize that the few choice men I shared a sexual experience with were gravel that jaded my path towards true fulfillment. Let me explain, after the mind blowing sex and euphoria, there was reality and reality did not have love, it didn’t have feelings, it didn’t consider the hours of good loving I gave it. Instead, reality became a stranger who I didn’t associate with throughout my day and the boyfriend who I couldn’t stop saying yes to by night. I realized that these men were just entities and we had formed only a physical bond, which only, lasted temporarily. But what was left?

            As beings we crave that intimacy and that companionship, I don’t care what any of these independent people say, everyone reaches to the other side of the bed hoping someone is there, at one point. I’m going through that now myself. I continue to speak to someone who I’m somewhat attracted to and really could care less about because he provides good company once every month he comes around. But, our last date changed my hunger for him. He asked me, “When am I going to get a return on my investment (me).” I was completely taken a back, not only did this brother ask me in code when he is going to “get” something from me, but I’m insulted at the fact that he would think that a mere $65 is a huge investment. My response, “ I am a multi billion dollar company, it takes more than money to invest in me. You see when you have a good thing you do the minimum to keep it, but when you have a GREAT thing you do EVERYTHING to keep it.” After that date, I had to take my own medicine and face up to the fact that he isn’t a GREAT thing for me so why waste my time?

            I’ve had to adjust; I went from having a list of company to having none at all since I moved, and boy that can be a killer on these cold winter days. And it wasn’t limited to just the sex. My company cooked for me, held me without asking, surprised me with flowers, and took me on an array of shopping sprees. So you bet your bottoms I miss that, I miss being spoiled and I miss that day to day attention. But at the end of the day the relations we had did not create relationships. Instead it was a mere transaction. He withdrew more than he invested, and that was my fault, because I allowed him to.

            Now, I have the bare minimums 5 core things that I seek in a man before any relations can be discussed. Everyone’s core minimums are different, for example one of mine is career driven whereas some women prefer to be the one who brings home the bacon and that is great! But I stick to those minimums because they are my foundation that I can build upon. I promised myself to never go back to the relations. The bond that you create through relationships and getting to know someone is far stronger and reliable than the one between the sheets. So for the current and the next one (options are always good) my relationship with you will determine when our relations will ensue.

           

No Regrets

I live my life without any regrets, because I've found that the energy put into my past transgressions have caused me to push my own happiness to the side. Let me tell you something about me......
I've been beat up,put down, raped and casted aside, but through it all I'm still stepping out on faith. The most traumatic moments in my life have shown me just how strong I am, and how life is too short to live with REGRETS. So I don't sweat the small stuff. People will always talk about you, somebody will always have a problem with you, but YOU are the person who determines if that is your problem to bare or not. I have carried the weight of other's opinions for far too long and now is the time for me to listen to my own.

I believe that God truly allowed me to survive my life's trials because of his purpose for me. After being diagnosed with cervical cancer, losing the love of my life, and truly being in a place of darkness and loneliness I was at a fork in the road. I didn't know how to go on, I will honestly say I just wanted to be done with life, yet that small hint of faith combined with the thin layer of trust I had in God kept me hanging on. I had to make a decision: live out my life or hang up the towel and continue to do the destructive things that I was doing to prohibit my progress. That day I wiped my last tears from eyes, pulled myself out of the bed I had been laying in for days, and finally opened the curtains to see the beauty of God's work. The sunshine greeted me as it rays brought my body back to life and I finally did something I hadn't done in months, I exhaled. And I put my life into work.

I started by making a bucket list, I truly believe that you should live life without limits, and since God gave me a second chance at it, I wasn't going to limit myself anymore. I then let go of the small stuff. It's funny, I never considered myself to be a hoarder, but what I realized then was that I was indeed an emotional hoarder. I held onto everything that ever hurt me or caused me pain, and I just wouldn't let it go. So I did some spring cleaning. I no longer cared about the opinions of others. I stopped following the words of those who always have something to say but never kept silent enough to listen. I stopped letting the negativity dwell within me, because it was the root of all of my sickness.

So yes I refuse to live my life with regret. For regret destroys the steps towards progression and overshadows beauty of forgiveness. I've been cancer free for 3 years now, and believe me when I say NOTHING THAT ANYONE SAYS can STOP ME from being the phenomenal woman and survivor I am.

Achieving Happiness through Nappiness

I have become SO bored with my hair. Everyday I look at it and I attempt to manipulate it into an artistic masterpiece when low and behold it ends up in the same old puff I’ve had it in for weeks. So I dyed it, first there was a two tone red with some highlights but I felt that wasn't drastic enough, so I upgraded to a honey blonde and STILL remained bored. I even cut my hair into layers and yet with all the twist outs, braids, and puffs I have done my boredom clashed with my creativity . I recently considered a perm (yea I said it). On some of my most trying days I literally stood in front of that tub of Mizani and hoped someone would knock the shelf so it could splatter all on my curly roots.
So I decided I am going to grow locks. Granted my family would much rather see me curly or with a straightening comb, but you only live one life and everything’s worth trying. Hair is hair it will grow back (provided you take care of it). You have to know what fits you and what you are willing to put up with. Transitioning into locks maybe hard, now I have to sit and  let my hair do it's own thing, when I have messed with it and turned it into everything I’ve wanted it to be. So let's see how this goes, let's embark on this journey shall we?

Hair Care Tip of the day: ( For Permed, Natural, Locked, ALL hair types)

In between washes add brown sugar to your shampoo. Use this to exfoliate your scalp and rid it of product and dead skin. During the winter months follow up with a leave in conditioner and hot oil treatment. Your scalp and your hair will be in heaven :) Trust I've been using this trick for years!

"Beauty stretches far beyond what your hair looks like and whether you decide to shave your head bald or rock a beyonce weave it will never out beautify the gorgeous-ness of your soul."

Feigning

Yesterday I caught myself feigning. I let my mind drift and think about being held by his arms, I let my senses tingle while I pondered just how long it would take for him to seduce me, I even let my mouth water as I thought about how tasty his lips were when we kissed, I dare to say that I even drooled a bit as I sat there fantasizing. Yet my feigning was short lived when the reality of all these things hit me square in the face. A good friend once told me," A man in your life has 3 F's. He needs to Feed you, Finance you, and lastly F---( let's just say screw) you."

After learning about these core F's I found myself assessing my past loves. One financed and fed me. We were living a straight fabulous, "Throw it in the bag," lifestyle and I'm talking about the Drizzy remix. Every shopping extravanganza was like a dream, anything I wanted he gave me, and any food I wanted (because I LOVE to eat) he bought me, yet when it came down to the last F there was no connection, I had better luck rubbing up against a piece of plank wood. Now my true love, as in the man who I thought I was going to marry, he only fullfilled one F for me. It's amazing how that one F can get you caught up, it's like a web you are trapped in but you don't want to leave. I financed and fed him, cooked him the best meals, paid for things out of my own pocket. Granted my subconscious constantly nagged me and told me to snap out of it, but I didn't want to. His lovin' was so good, it made me literally want to slap somebody. He had taken me to another level. But, when it all boiled down to it, he wasn't the one. After our screwing there was nothing there we literally looked at each other like," What are we gonna do now?" And he never made me feel entirely loved, so needless to say his F is now an X.

So after dropping my alphabet of failures, I realized there is only one F that should truly control your life; and that's FOUNDATION. You see, when you have a foundation you are fulfilled. Fulfilled in knowing that none of these people have anything on you. You become confident in the fact that you know exactly who you are and you dare someone to question that. You build upon that foundation by doing the 3 F's for yourself. You feed yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically. Feeding meaning you take care of yourself, for me I started eating healthier, exercising,  and reading books that broadened my horizons. When you are filled with all of these factors you have fed yourself with, then you are no longer starving for someone else to fill those things for your. Secondly, I financed myself and got my house in order. I began saving 20% of my check, 10% to god, 10% to me. Pay yourself first before you pay any other person. You can't save someone when you are the one drowning. Lastly, and I am so very proud to say this, I F---ed the MESS out of myself. Now I'm not saying this is solely done by sex, but I found the things in life that give me pleasure and I do those things on a frequent basis. For example, I love seeing shows, it's just something about raw talent that amazes me, so every other month I buy a ticket ( in the front row) to a show that I'm interested in. I also love love LOVE chocolate cake, and not just any chocolate cake either but the kind that makes you feel all warm and sensual inside. At the end of every month, I treat myself, because I deserve it.

When you accomplish the 3 F's for yourself you build upon a foundation of success. You prevent yourself from facing the worst F of them all, FAILURE. Having a foundation means that you have no limits to what you can do. I've realized that my foundation attracts the men of my fantasies and will soon attract the man of my dreams.

Following the Dream and Leading the Reality

I've never been the type to conform to groups, even as a kid I always hung out with different people and put my spin on childhood games of hiding and go seek etc. But it wasn't until my adolescence that I first questioned if I should be like others and do the "american way" of life. So I tried, I even joined sports teams (knowing my tail is not athletic), attempted to date (knowing I really could care less about the guys in my hs), and even went for a career that everyone thought I should do (knowing that wasn't my passion). I carried this into my college years, and yes I will admit I went into college with the mentality of marriage, kids, and lastly the degree. I believed that I was supposed to find my soulmate, and have my babies by 23, and be the homemaker with a degree. Yet, I found that my hunger for spiritual and social freedom grew and it eventually got to the point where I could no longer contain it. That point came after graduation As I sat on my plush bed and let my eyes venture around my old bedroom at my parent's home, I realized that I was trying to cram myself into a box that I just didn't fit into. So I addressed how I got to where I was.

My first confession is that I am an avid people pleaser. I hate it when people are unhappy with me or disagree with the way I'm leading my life. I discovered my dedication to people pleasing pulled from the concentration of my own dreams and passions I wished to fullfill. So I decided to stop pleasing people and instead ration my consideration. Rationing my consideration required me to place people in order of importance. First was my God, he is always numero uno, and although we may not have the closest relationship he always seems to show up at the right time. Second, was my family, now this was tricky. My family loves me and  I know they seek to show what's best for me, however I found my family's opinions tended to overshadow my own opinion of myself. Since God knows me he recieved all of my consideration yet with family, friends, associates, and even enemies I found that it was better to take their opinions in tiny bites. I am by no means condoning family/peer advice, I am simply saying the best art you can learn is the art of self assessment and advising yourself what's best for you. Only you and God know your deepest desires and passions, only you and God know how YOU will get to them, no one else. So why ask people how YOU should lead YOUR life before asking yourself?

My second confession was addressing my fears, and boy did I have a HUGE list of those. I feared everything from spiders to failing my family. But I realized that stepping out on faith doesn't mean you step out with the fear still realming in your conscious. When you step out on faith you acquire the confidence that you are bigger than your fear. It's called the Conqueror State of Mind (CSM). Your life is like a theatrical play, YOU have to make the decision if you would like to be the lead or an extra as you watch the scences of your life play by. Seeing that I am a drama queen I just knew I couldn't be an extra, and child this ego of mine does not like to sit back and watch, it fully engages. So I had to develop my CSM by believing in who I was and acknowledging that there is no limit to what I can do. I also had to confess that I am my only hinderance, at the end of the day there is just me and I had to be willing to step out on faith with my dreams. So I did, I wrote down EVERYTHING i've always wanted to do, from owning my own business to sky diving to visiting a third world country. I then created my plan, assessed my plan, and most importantly I WORKED MY PLAN.

So where am I now you ask? I have graduated from college and I am proud to say that I am blueprinting my own business, I am traveling to a third world country in March, and honey my tail is jumping out of a plane May 2011. You only live one life, so why not live out your dreams? In my last moments I want to be able to close my eyes and watch my theatrical life as I play the lead role...

What in the world did I get myself into?

Today is the first day of the last day of the old Kyndall Peele.  I found that this current state i'm in is meant to teach me to be truly by myself and experience what intimacy with me is like rather through somebody else.
To get you to see exactly where I am coming from, I think it's important to tell you my history. I was the oldest child. I grew up in the best of times, the 80s/90s the times where Biggie, Mary J, Tupac, Kid n' play, heck when everyone ruled the radio. Those were the best days when everyones hairstyle seemed to have geometrical shapes and angles. My childhood was your typical one, I grew up in many areas such as DC, Maryland, and North Carolina just to name a few. But even in all these places I craved a love of my own and the confidence that peaked high above any mountain. Ive always been chubby, hell I'll admit I love my food. But little did I know that baby phat turns developed into the weight of emotions and depression that held me down.
So today, you ask why vegan why celibacy have you lost your damn mind?! If I told you yes would you feel better? I chose  to begin this vegan lifestyle because I want my body to know what it truly feels like to be organic. I want my body to feel lifted even when the weight of the world is on me. So today is day one and I must admit I am going to miss my meat. I love some burgers, bbq pork sandwiches, ribs, chicken , fried fish just like any other southern girl . But being a vegetarian is the smallest challenge I have to face.
Being celibant, lord I'm really going to have to be delivered from this. Now I'm no hoe by no means but a sista loves her a handsome man especially when he can grab you up and rub you down. Some of you may be faint at heart to hear me speak this way, but sex for me is like that euphoric feeling you have after you have been holding your pee all day and you finally get to release, if you don't know that feeling honey you better ask somebody! It's that release of everything, and when it is GREAT sex with someone who loves you from from you toe nails to the hair follicles on on your scalp it is the best thing since sliced bread. I just love the feeling of having my toes curled and my body finally letting it ALL go. So this celibacy thing, lord it's going to work something on me.
You see, I have given love all of my life. To my friends, family, boos, and even enemies. So for me having sex with my man was his way of catering to me and showing me that he loved me, well for what I thought.
Yet there was this man, who turned me out, who made me feel as if no man could ever make me feel. He was it for me and I gave him every ounce of me until I looked in the mirror one day and wondered who the hell I was. It's a scary thing when you don't know who you are anymore. And that is what made me question if I didn't have sex anymore who would I be? So I decided to challenge myself and discover what intimacy is like with out sex. Day one....and tonight it's just me and my thoughts