When the Seasons Change

Today, my season began to change. I no longer looked out the foggy windows of life. Today the light of the future made the shadows of my past drift away. So many things happen when my season changes. I shed (or gain) a few pounds, I do something drastic to my hair, but most importantly I shed the dead weight I happened to pick up during the fall and winter. You never know who your dead weight is until you have the opportunity to drop it.

            For example I love my family with every ounce of me, however when it came to dealing with a traumatic time in my life some of my family members abandoned me. Granted, you can never expect for someone to react the way you want them to when it comes to the news that I gave them. However I did expect their support and they have yet to provide it. So in turn they were dropped. I still love them and I still pray for them. Like they say God don’t like ugly, but my “relationship” that I once had with them has been annulled.

A second example, I had a mentor that I loved dearly. This person was like the wind beneath my wings I looked up to them, but then their dark side revealed itself. Now, I tend to see the light more than the darkness when it comes to a person. But, when I had found out that this person was deceiving others to believe untruthful things about me and was also attempting to sabotage my progress I was faced with a decision I never thought I would have to make. So you guessed it…this person was dropped immediately. I’m still professional and I still maintain class, but all extra curricular activities I did with this person have ceased.

Dropping these relationships, in addition to others, was extremely tough for me. When I befriend or engage in any type of relationship whether it is family, friends, sorority sister, or co worker I engage with all the love I have in my heart. People will hurt you, their only human, but when people continue to hurt you after you have addressed that hurt, well….they don’t deserve your love anyway. I’m grieving in a sense, because the relationships I thought I had with these people were killed by the reality of who they truly are. For this reason I’m reluctant when my season begins to change. I tend to get comfortable with how things are and attempt to brush things aside knowing they are clear warning signs. But I believe that God created human beings to be a reflection of his work. Look at nature for example. The trees go through their hibernation stage where they are ugly, dried, and brittle from the whipping of the winds and frigidness of the temps; just like these trees we as human beings go through our stage of hibernation. We go through our tasks and trials only to blossom beautifully when the season changes. This season God has taught me that I need people in my life who will be anchors. We will both have storms in our lives that will sway and challenge us and we will both need to know that in the midst of it all I am here.

Now God and I haven’t had the best of relationships, he’s still working on me, however I do believe that God is showing me how things are when I am in control and how things are when HE is in control. And I must say I like it better when God takes the wheel. There’s a song that says, “It’s a new season it’s a new day a fresh anointing is flowing my way, it’s a season of power and prosperity, there’s a new season coming for me.” I whole heartedly believe this for me and for you. So get ready here comes your new season and I look forward to seeing what the “Spring” brings to life for you!

He called me Kyndall.....

It was my birthday weekend. Granted I had every intention on going HAM, but a part of me thought that I could pick up the pieces. I knew I would run into him, it was inevitable. He was the best friend of my best friend who I happened to be partying it up with that weekend. Yet, a small inkling of me hoped that we weren’t going to have that awkward moment. That he would just so happen to go out of town the weekend I decided to visit.

            He was my heart, well…the first man to capture it. He was the kind that you couldn’t resist loving. He was a lover, musician, friend, and fantasy. I loved laying my head on his chest and falling asleep to the deep drums of his heart. I took joy in pleasuring every one of this man’s needs. I was the outgoing dreamer while he was the introverted logistic. Yet our opposite sides complimented each other. We took each other to another level, we were meant for each other.

The last time I gazed into his eyes he said,

“It’s just you and me bay, and that’s all I need.”

            We had our rough times, but what couple didn’t. Our love for each other made our arguments seem like the universe was shaking, but when we made up the passion we felt for one another made the earth tremble. We didn’t make love it created us. There we were in our far from perfect world, but I was once told, “Love isn’t perfect but it creates perfection.”

            So when he said,” I don’t think we can continue our relationship,” my entire being just shattered.

            “I’m sorry,” I laughed nervously, “Come again.”

“I don’t think we will ever be together bay,” his voice quieted on the phone, I could tell by his whispering that he was just as hurt as me hearing those words come from his lips.

            I had just moved, he still had a semester to finish in school, so we agreed to pursue our love long distance until he graduated and then we would start our lives together.

            “I….I …I don’t,” the words stumbled out of my mouth. Before I could inhale the tears poured from eyes and crashed into a puddle on my hardwood floors.

            The sounds of my heart breaking echoed throughout my soul.

            “Hear me out bay,” I could hear his voice telling me as I slipped deeper and deeper into my dark well of sadness, “You have your own thing going on and I do too, I’m not trying to move all the way out there.”

            “But we were going to make our own moves when you graduated, I don’t understand.”

            “I know but graduation seems so far from now bay.”
“I…I still don’t understand.” I managed to say through my tears.

            “It’s complicated bay, please don’t cry, we can still be friends.”

“Friends?!” How dare he take years of love, tears, blood, sweat, everything we had made and insult it with a friendship!

            “I don’t want to be your friend; I want to be your wife like you promised, your lover, your confidant, everything you are to me! How dare you ask me to me your mediocre friend?!”

            Silence responded to my statement. So I took it upon myself and asked.

“Is there another woman?” No response

            “Tell me! Is there?!”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen….”

            I dropped the phone. There I was speechless and lifeless crying on my hardwood floors.

            Later I learned he had been trapped by some girl; what started as one had thing turned into another. I remember telling him to let her be that she has ulterior motives when it came to their “friendship” but he didn’t listen, he let his vulnerability get the best of him and there she was waiting to catch him up in her web.

            After seven months of I’m over its, I’m all goods, and I ain’t thinking about hims  the pain still lingered and it  felt as if he had just told me.

             I had spent the week wondering what our encounter would be like. Would I fall for him again or would I just have a mad black woman moment? I wondered if he would bring her. I wondered about every scenario that was ethically possible.

            I heard him come through the door. It took everything in me to not look up and greet his eyes with mine. When I felt him next to me I looked up and for a second all of the love I had for him welled up inside of my heart as all of the memories we shared encased it.

            “What’s up Kyndall.” He said

The casing of our memories cracked and the love that was filling my heart poured out onto the floor. Kyndall? He’s never called me that before.

            “Hey,” was all I could manage to say.

I turned back around to my cake and put the love that was left into icing it.

            I didn’t want to let go of my love but that day love left me.

Friends to Lovers

He's always been a friend of mine, but we knew that one day our chemistry and desire for more would show itself. It happened on a Monday night. We were doing our usual; dinner and watching the game, when he asked me," How long are you going to make me chase you?"

I for one was quite taken off guard, "chase me?" was all I could manage to say.

"yea, chase as in why do you keep running?"

Until that moment, I hadn't thought about it. We were like two peas in a pod. Every sentence I began he finished, when it came to debating we could go all night, and he never clouted my dreams or told me that I'm too whimsical. Instead, he stood behind me and encouraged me to go for it.

He was like the Clyde to my Bonnie. We both possessed a hunger for success but subdued it with the thirst to please others. And even on my bitchiest days when all I could do was fuss he would be right there with a glass of wine and listen. So when he said chase, I envisioned a woman who consistently runs, and I for one hate running I'd rather face things head on.

"Running?" I asked, " I vouch to say that I've always been here, now you my friend are so caught up in the chase that you didn't stop to see that I've been right next to you the whole time."

"Hmm, well put Ms. Peele," he responded ," So are you saying you are ready for something more?"

"I'm saying that you are my best friend and I love you, what this love grows into neither of us knows so why don't we take it day by day?"

" I can do that," he responded.

And there we were cuddled up with one another watching the game but envisioning our relationship.

The transition from friends to lovers can be easy and it can be difficult. No matter what anyone says, when you involve intimacy and sex consistently over a period of time someone is bound to catch feelings. What you do with those feelings and how you handle the relationship determines the outcome.

For me and my best friend we vowed to always be open minded with one another and most importantly to always be honest. So when we did engage in sensual relations and I realized that I couldn't be physically satisfied by him I told him. Granted no man ,friend or not, likes to be told that he isn't king kong in the bedroom. However my honesty with him garnered respect and my sensitivity to his feelings soothed the awkwardness of the moment. He understood.

When you have a true friendship you can be openly honest with your friend but you also know how they will perceive your honesty. So many people get caught up in the idea of having a "friend with benefits" or being married or being in a relationship, but they neglect the reality that you are involving yourself in someone else's life and that it's no longer about you it's about we. How are WE going to handle this situation? How do WE communicate? etc In any relationship you have to consider the WE and truly digest and adhere to the needs and feelings of the person (s) involved. This makes communication better and it strengthens your relationship.

So for my best friend and me we had a brief stint. And now we live ions away from each other yet we still talk every night and watch the game (via skype) every Monday. I vouch to say that he will probably be the best man in my wedding, provided my future husband doesn't read this :) At the end of the day it's about what we created, he is a great man and as I said before he is my best friend and I do love him. So, he wasn't a friend with benefits, because I already benefited from the love, strength, and courage he gave me through our friendship and it's those benefits that will continue our friendship for a lifetime.

Dangit Man...I Slipped Up!

It happened on a Thursday, I must admit I was not in the mood to even engage, yet this thing intrigued me. It made me wonder just how far it would let me go and how long that interest would last. That night I dressed beautifully, I wore a low cut black dress, long earrings, and my hair swept to the side, needless to say if I was a guy I'd screw me. As I sat at the table the smells coming from the kitchen mesmerized me, the robust spices and herbs called to me. I felt my body start to melt. The waiter walked up to me and said," Good evening Miss, may I interest you in a drink?" My response, " A Cosmobellini would do me just fine." As he wrote down my drink I caught his eyes tracing my legs up to my neck line. When he realized that I noticed he quickly closed his note pad and said, "I'll be right back." I sat in the restaurant and allowed myself to get caught up in the rapture. I couldn't believe how much I had grown, this little Indiana girl was now sitting in one of finest restaurants in the world, and capturing every eye that graced her presence. I must say I was completely feeling myself.
Just as my drink came so did he. He entered the restaurant with such power, I must admit his confidence was beyond sexy. The host took his coat, he took a moment to gaze around the room in search of me. Once he laid his eyes upon me his body language instantly said, "Bingo.." He walked over to the table leaned in and kissed me on my cheek. "How are you?' he asked me. I was so caught up in his hazel eyes, and muscular physique, I hadn't heard his question. "You ok?" he asked me. "Yea, just a little tired I guess." I had to play off my developing crush. He ordered his drink. Now I've learned from past experiences that a man's drink is a factor in describing what type of man he is. Fruity drink =a fruity man (unless it's margarita night at wet willies). So I listened as he ordered. His deep voice laced my senses, as he said, " Jack and Ginger heavy on the jack light on the ginger all on the rocks." After ordering his drink he took a moment to adore me. He didn't look at me in a perverse way, instead he gazed upon me as if he was studying a masterpiece. "You look beautiful," he said to me. I gave him a coy smile and a small ,"thank you." managed to escape my lips.
When we ordered dinner, my appetite craved something other than food, so I simply ordered a salad. He ordered the salmon, asparagus, and mashed potatoes.
The night went very smoothly. He seemed fully engaged as he asked me what my passions were and where do I see myself. Mid conversation he said," I hope I'm not being too forward, but may I kiss you?" I was a bit taken a back a kiss? in here? with all of these people? Yet my curious mind obliged and there I was tasting this man's lips. Everything silenced and for a moment I forgot where I was.
As he walked me to my car he said," I noticed that you didn't eat much this evening, was the food not to your liking?"
"Of coarse not," I responded, " I just.. I don't know I craved something really savory and I couldn't figure out what to eat. "
"I understand, you should let me cook for you," he smiled at me.
"O really? and when would that be?"
"Tonight, if you are up for it."
"Ok."
"Meet me here in an hour." he placed his card in my hand, on the back he wrote his address.

During my drive to his place a billion things ran through my mind. I asked myself what the hell was I thinking?! I wondered if he was going to be the one to break my 4 month stint. I also wondered what it was about this man that had me so caught up. I have dated men who could make Boris Kodjoe run for his money. Maybe it was his smoothness, maybe it was the fact that he was older than my usual, or maybe I was attracted to his determination and the power he possessed being a top lawyer in Cleveland. Despite what it is I was going to this man's place and hoping he could satisfy my appetite.
When I reached his home I parked my car in his garage and took the elevator to his condo.
When I entered the room , his condo wreaked of excellent taste. Different painting laid upon the walls his dining room set was a deep cherry wood square table. When I reached his living room his chocolate coach complimented the blue lighting upon his book case. His flat screen was mounted upon the wall and his xbox sat neatly underneath it. I noticed a treadmill out of the corner of my eye that faced his lake front view. Every ounce of this man made me feel as if I was in a movie.
I sat down on his couch and made myself comfortable.
"Wine?" he asked well more so asserted as he handed me a glass of white wine.
"Thank you I said. "
"Your dinner is almost ready." He said to me.
"Is there anyway I can help?" I asked.
"Absolutely not," he responded. He seemed a bit offended that I asked, "but you may watch."
I followed him into his kitchen. The aroma of rosemary, basil , and spices tingled my senses. My body felt electric. As he placed my plate in front of me he kissed me gently on my forehead. He sliced everything for me and fed me. My entire being indulged in this man's cooking and spirit. "Mmm" was all I could say.
"you like?" he asked
"Very much, " I responded
"Good." he said to me with a coy smile.
After finished dinner we sat upon the couch. He put his arms around me, leaned into me and softly said, " I find you to be an incredible woman."
"And why is that?"
"Your drive is very sexy to me, you have holistic beauty, rather than pieced beauty that most women have."
Whew I said to myself, Ok Kyn get it together at any moment this man could have you wrapped around his finger.
"thank you." I responded
He then kissed me, and this time his arm wrapped around my waist as his other hand cupped and tilted my head. It was one of the most passionate kisses I had ever had. I tasted everything from his jack and ginger to the meal I had just devoured. I let him drink me and taste me. When I realized just how heated things were getting, I had to stop.
"I'm celibate, " I said to him. At first he looked confused, and then he gave me a comforting smile.
"It's not your body that I want, it's your mind." He leaned into me again and kissed me once more.
O God I prayed please let this be true and not a dream, I would be devastated.
After an evening of kissing and cuddling he walked me down to my car, kissed me once more and said," I'll see you tomorrow. " I smiled back and said, " You bet."
On my ride home I felt my lower body begin to pulse and then it tightened. Before I knew it I was feeling strange. "Dammit," I said to myself, " I shouldn't have eaten that steak he made. "

I just want to take it Nice and Slow....

We live in a microwavable society, where everything is almost readily available. We want the right job now, the right mate now, the right kind of sex now, the right anything right NOW. In a sense we have become our own fast food chain, feeding ourselves the temporary and quick satisfaction as opposed to stopping and truly smelling the flowers. Think about how fast food compares to a slow cooked meal. Fast food’s benefit is how quickly it’s done, but does it really taste fulfilling at the end of the day? Does your body feel thoroughly satisfied throughout the day? As opposed to slow cooked. The food takes time, love, and preparation. It requires patience and the ability to wait for things to come perfectly together. When you finally indulge every last flavor excites your mouth and fulfills your tummy. This should be the outlook on life.
            I must admit I was a “fast food” junky. I like to say that I was the originator of, “It’s my money and I want it now!” Since I was 14 I’ve consistently worked two jobs as well as tutoring, doing hair, and coaching as a side hustle, all to make the C.R.E.A.M. Yet, I came to realize that the temporary satisfaction I gained from getting tid for tats of money here or there was not what I wanted for myself. I was going through multiple jobs instead of building towards my career. So I put it down, completely and I mapped out my career.
            I’m doing some things my family would faint over. I decided that I’m not going to graduate school ( I think I just heard my mother faint). When I signed up for the GRE the second time I thought I was doing the right thing for me. I was going through the motions get your bachelors then get your masters then get a good job. I realized it wasn’t meant for me when one of my sorority sisters asked me, “Have you studied for it?” My response,” Nope I have 2 books on how to ace this thing and I have yet to crack them open,” mind you she asked me this two weeks before my scheduled test date. A career should be something you love, and a job should be something that gets you towards that true love.  None of my 9-5s were getting me to my true love.
            So I prepared my soul’s meal that I knew would fulfill my spirit. I picked out key ingredients (people, places, materials) arranged my recipe for success (making my plan), put them all together and let it slow cook. My investment of hard work, time, TRUE FULL TIME commitment, and all emotions I will experience are the spices of my dream dish, they flavor it, and make it taste that much better when it’s done.
            So you can have the fast food and see just how internally healthy it makes you. But me honey, I’m taking it nice and slow. Bon appetite!

Hit it and Quit it (those nights)

I used to be a benefits person who viewed a man as nothing but a simple fulfillment; I developed that “F you do me” mentality. But I came to realize that the few choice men I shared a sexual experience with were gravel that jaded my path towards true fulfillment. Let me explain, after the mind blowing sex and euphoria, there was reality and reality did not have love, it didn’t have feelings, it didn’t consider the hours of good loving I gave it. Instead, reality became a stranger who I didn’t associate with throughout my day and the boyfriend who I couldn’t stop saying yes to by night. I realized that these men were just entities and we had formed only a physical bond, which only, lasted temporarily. But what was left?

            As beings we crave that intimacy and that companionship, I don’t care what any of these independent people say, everyone reaches to the other side of the bed hoping someone is there, at one point. I’m going through that now myself. I continue to speak to someone who I’m somewhat attracted to and really could care less about because he provides good company once every month he comes around. But, our last date changed my hunger for him. He asked me, “When am I going to get a return on my investment (me).” I was completely taken a back, not only did this brother ask me in code when he is going to “get” something from me, but I’m insulted at the fact that he would think that a mere $65 is a huge investment. My response, “ I am a multi billion dollar company, it takes more than money to invest in me. You see when you have a good thing you do the minimum to keep it, but when you have a GREAT thing you do EVERYTHING to keep it.” After that date, I had to take my own medicine and face up to the fact that he isn’t a GREAT thing for me so why waste my time?

            I’ve had to adjust; I went from having a list of company to having none at all since I moved, and boy that can be a killer on these cold winter days. And it wasn’t limited to just the sex. My company cooked for me, held me without asking, surprised me with flowers, and took me on an array of shopping sprees. So you bet your bottoms I miss that, I miss being spoiled and I miss that day to day attention. But at the end of the day the relations we had did not create relationships. Instead it was a mere transaction. He withdrew more than he invested, and that was my fault, because I allowed him to.

            Now, I have the bare minimums 5 core things that I seek in a man before any relations can be discussed. Everyone’s core minimums are different, for example one of mine is career driven whereas some women prefer to be the one who brings home the bacon and that is great! But I stick to those minimums because they are my foundation that I can build upon. I promised myself to never go back to the relations. The bond that you create through relationships and getting to know someone is far stronger and reliable than the one between the sheets. So for the current and the next one (options are always good) my relationship with you will determine when our relations will ensue.

           

No Regrets

I live my life without any regrets, because I've found that the energy put into my past transgressions have caused me to push my own happiness to the side. Let me tell you something about me......
I've been beat up,put down, raped and casted aside, but through it all I'm still stepping out on faith. The most traumatic moments in my life have shown me just how strong I am, and how life is too short to live with REGRETS. So I don't sweat the small stuff. People will always talk about you, somebody will always have a problem with you, but YOU are the person who determines if that is your problem to bare or not. I have carried the weight of other's opinions for far too long and now is the time for me to listen to my own.

I believe that God truly allowed me to survive my life's trials because of his purpose for me. After being diagnosed with cervical cancer, losing the love of my life, and truly being in a place of darkness and loneliness I was at a fork in the road. I didn't know how to go on, I will honestly say I just wanted to be done with life, yet that small hint of faith combined with the thin layer of trust I had in God kept me hanging on. I had to make a decision: live out my life or hang up the towel and continue to do the destructive things that I was doing to prohibit my progress. That day I wiped my last tears from eyes, pulled myself out of the bed I had been laying in for days, and finally opened the curtains to see the beauty of God's work. The sunshine greeted me as it rays brought my body back to life and I finally did something I hadn't done in months, I exhaled. And I put my life into work.

I started by making a bucket list, I truly believe that you should live life without limits, and since God gave me a second chance at it, I wasn't going to limit myself anymore. I then let go of the small stuff. It's funny, I never considered myself to be a hoarder, but what I realized then was that I was indeed an emotional hoarder. I held onto everything that ever hurt me or caused me pain, and I just wouldn't let it go. So I did some spring cleaning. I no longer cared about the opinions of others. I stopped following the words of those who always have something to say but never kept silent enough to listen. I stopped letting the negativity dwell within me, because it was the root of all of my sickness.

So yes I refuse to live my life with regret. For regret destroys the steps towards progression and overshadows beauty of forgiveness. I've been cancer free for 3 years now, and believe me when I say NOTHING THAT ANYONE SAYS can STOP ME from being the phenomenal woman and survivor I am.