I've never been the type to conform to groups, even as a kid I always hung out with different people and put my spin on childhood games of hiding and go seek etc. But it wasn't until my adolescence that I first questioned if I should be like others and do the "american way" of life. So I tried, I even joined sports teams (knowing my tail is not athletic), attempted to date (knowing I really could care less about the guys in my hs), and even went for a career that everyone thought I should do (knowing that wasn't my passion). I carried this into my college years, and yes I will admit I went into college with the mentality of marriage, kids, and lastly the degree. I believed that I was supposed to find my soulmate, and have my babies by 23, and be the homemaker with a degree. Yet, I found that my hunger for spiritual and social freedom grew and it eventually got to the point where I could no longer contain it. That point came after graduation As I sat on my plush bed and let my eyes venture around my old bedroom at my parent's home, I realized that I was trying to cram myself into a box that I just didn't fit into. So I addressed how I got to where I was.
My first confession is that I am an avid people pleaser. I hate it when people are unhappy with me or disagree with the way I'm leading my life. I discovered my dedication to people pleasing pulled from the concentration of my own dreams and passions I wished to fullfill. So I decided to stop pleasing people and instead ration my consideration. Rationing my consideration required me to place people in order of importance. First was my God, he is always numero uno, and although we may not have the closest relationship he always seems to show up at the right time. Second, was my family, now this was tricky. My family loves me and I know they seek to show what's best for me, however I found my family's opinions tended to overshadow my own opinion of myself. Since God knows me he recieved all of my consideration yet with family, friends, associates, and even enemies I found that it was better to take their opinions in tiny bites. I am by no means condoning family/peer advice, I am simply saying the best art you can learn is the art of self assessment and advising yourself what's best for you. Only you and God know your deepest desires and passions, only you and God know how YOU will get to them, no one else. So why ask people how YOU should lead YOUR life before asking yourself?
My second confession was addressing my fears, and boy did I have a HUGE list of those. I feared everything from spiders to failing my family. But I realized that stepping out on faith doesn't mean you step out with the fear still realming in your conscious. When you step out on faith you acquire the confidence that you are bigger than your fear. It's called the Conqueror State of Mind (CSM). Your life is like a theatrical play, YOU have to make the decision if you would like to be the lead or an extra as you watch the scences of your life play by. Seeing that I am a drama queen I just knew I couldn't be an extra, and child this ego of mine does not like to sit back and watch, it fully engages. So I had to develop my CSM by believing in who I was and acknowledging that there is no limit to what I can do. I also had to confess that I am my only hinderance, at the end of the day there is just me and I had to be willing to step out on faith with my dreams. So I did, I wrote down EVERYTHING i've always wanted to do, from owning my own business to sky diving to visiting a third world country. I then created my plan, assessed my plan, and most importantly I WORKED MY PLAN.
So where am I now you ask? I have graduated from college and I am proud to say that I am blueprinting my own business, I am traveling to a third world country in March, and honey my tail is jumping out of a plane May 2011. You only live one life, so why not live out your dreams? In my last moments I want to be able to close my eyes and watch my theatrical life as I play the lead role...
I knew we were alike but not THIS much alike! wow. The things you struggle(d) with are the same for me. I am a people-pleaser that probably cares too much about what others think. Though out loud we proclaim our independence and strength, I think it's more admirable to admit when we are weak and capable of being swayed. In the last year or two, I've learned so much about myself. I was in touch with my abilities and thoughts but it was after a long soul search that I discovered everyone has their own definitions of happiness and success. I can't compare myself to my twin, my peers, my ancestors. My journey is my journey. And ever since that epiphany, I've had less stress in my life. I love you lady!
ReplyDeleteI, too, am a people pleaser. But I think what really got me here was when you were talking about your fears. I find it not only commendable, but heroic when people are no longer afraid to run after what they want, especially when it scares the hell out of you. I can't remember who said this, but one quote that has been seeming to inspire me lately is, "Do something that scares you every day". If we all lived like this, I think we wouldn't have as much regret, and we would all be much more content, both mentally and spiritually. ~Felicia Makowske~
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